I Might've Freaked Out Last Night.....

We all have days right....

Yesterday was a day. 

If your boss called you approximattely 117 times a day to ask you the same question.  Every day.  Including weekends.  And you had the same response 117 times.  But bossman still called the next day to ask the same question 117 more times.....at what point would you snap?  This my dear, sweet, sane friends is what raising a toddler is like.  I am SO SICK OF HEARING MYSELF TALK!  From the nanosecond I awake every morning until the last three seconds before I fall asleep at night, there is noise.  "Caillou is rubbish Sitting on hippo Crayons in time out Daddy be cross."  Just a snippet of how TT wakes up in the morning.  Notice no punctuation.  There is no stopping.  I don't even know why I put spaces

Then of course there are two more

Don't they all look so harmless here? 

So I may have freaked out last night.  After the 118th time of asking TT not to stand on the train table and turn the light on and off in true disco strobe fashion, and trying to feed fussy mcallergies who had left approximately 14 grenade blasts of spitup all over my carpets in a matter of 5 hours and not having showered since teaching my 10:30 AM class (whatever I still haven't showered) and not having slept a solid night in approximately 6 months and eating ONE ORANGE AND ONE 14 OUNCE PROTEIN SMOOTHIE FOR AN ENTIRE DAY INCLUDING 4 1/2 HOURS OF EXERCISE......I may or may not have flipped. the eff. out. 

I ran away.  Don't panic, I did not leave the kids in care of the dog.  I went to the quietest place I could think of at 8:00 PM EST on a Tuesday:  Barnes and effing Noble.  I walked through the doors like they were the Pearly Gates and angels were singing and a wind gust blew my sweaty ponytail as I took that final step through the threshold and there was peace and it was good.  And while there I proceded to buy my children every book I saw that I loved (spoiled) but I also bought this gem

I tell you what my friends, I don't care who you are this is funny. 

It has given me approximately 23 1/2 ideas for amazing blog posts for the future in the first 18 pages.  It's a reminder that the expectations for good parenting have become completely ridiculous and also that we're all just human so STOP JUDGING EVERY OTHER PARENT EVER ON THE EARTH EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM EVER.  Yes I meant that sentence to sound as stupid as you just read it.  And now re read it. 

So after laughing myself off the ledge last night.  I woke up to a different kind of day today.  Yes, I had to wipe more butts before 9 am then you probably wipe in a lifetime.  No my legs aren't shaved.  My hair is insanely dishelved (and I went out in public like this) and still haven't showered since Monday.  Say it again:  SINCE MONDAY.  But I think the universe knew I'd HAD IT. 

I met my fabulous friend/boss/sometimes other mother to my children/sister from some guy that's not my dad (you lol'd I know you did) to give her a gem I found her on my trip to heaven and back last night.  She always listens, helps with my terrors angel love bug dears, and encourages me when I'm feeling like I can't make it another second.  While I was chatting with her, Facebook alerted me that my almost too good to be true friend had in fact sent me a Starbucks gift card just out of the kindness of her heart.  Maybe people have realized if you give a new mom caffeine, she won't kill anybody, but it just felt like a hug and a kiss and a high five all wrapped in green and gold advertising.  Then I joined two completely awesome moms at the park to wear our toddlers out.  They are awesome.  Super awesome.  And neither lets me feel sorry for myself which clearly I never do but if by chance I did think "it's soooo harrrrrrd to have threeeee kids underrrrr twoooooooo" which again I never do, they'd remind me I'm stronger than I think and I can do it cuz I really just have to and there's no way around it. 

Well let me go back briefly to tell you that my 5 month old princess pea had a poopy dipe. 

This girl
 
Only brought size 6 diapers.  Which is approximately 4 sizes too big for little miss tiny heiny.  So I proceded to put one on her anyway and it covered her baby nips and wrapped around her like a toga.  But whatevs...... (idiot!!!!)

One of these awesome moms that I met at the park arrives with baby sans shoes for park play.  Truthfully no fault of her own.  But as per "mom-ness" dictates you have to:  blames herself and feels like an idiot.  Whatever, come to find out mulch chips don't hurt if you put socks on your fat little baby feet.  Her little girl is delightfully resilient anyway:  she barely cried when TT threw a ball at her face when she was 4 months old.  Boys watch out!  Emma's a bad a$$.  Plus my infant was wearing a size 6 diaper....

I then came home to find out an old friend is beginning new life changes and has given me credit for his inspiration.  I cannot tell you what that means to me.  One:  this guy is an amazing person.  People who know me now might think we're an odd match for friends.... but let me tell you, screw what everyone else thinks and get to know someone's heart and none of the rest of it matters.  This guy's heart is one of the biggest ever.  I'm so proud of him.  Two:  To be considered an inspiration to someone was always what I said I wanted to do before I died.  I've heard people call me this more often recently and I really don't take it lightly.  That's a big responsibility.  But to get to this point in my life where I can be so positive and have so much love for myself, my family, my friends, and my work....go back, I included myself in that lineup......that's taken a lot of work from the inside out.  I'm so honored that anybody would consider me an inspiration for any reason (unless you're doing something stupid in which case forget you know me) and I'm so happy to be able to share myself and my journey with others.  I don't get big paychecks and I don't get much recognition from my kids for being the most kick ass mom on the block keeping them alive, but I'm glad I'm helping some of you (and some of you even admit that I'm funny....or maybe you're drinking when you read these posts).

So today, I'm not going to freak out.  But hopefully I'm going to shower and eat more than an orange....

And Then I Added More....

Why do I do these things to myself?  I am obsessed with being stressed.

Last week I attempted and completed my first road trip with me plus three.  I decided to leave Richmond around 9:00 AM.  The planning and prep work that goes into a day trip is just sick.  I had probably 30 diapers packed, 2 diaper bag sized wipes packages, 3 outfits per short person, double stroller with it's 5 accessories, two baby carriers, and so. many. snacks.  This is a day trip.  No nights.  Just a, ahhh, one, uno day.  It sounds like enough.  Wrong-o.  TT ate ALL the snacks on the way up.  All of them???  All of them.  30 diapers proved to be JUST enough for 14 hours of road trippin.  Phew!  3 outfits per human.....who was I kidding?! I needed approximately 5 and I did not have 5 therefore I arrived home with a half dirty, half naked crew....it was 36 degrees outside.

There were approximately 8 hours of driving total for the day.  Keeping everyone happy for 8 hours of delightful car riding seemed impossible.  I managed approximately 6.5 happy hours.  At one point TT looked at Yellie and said (and I quote) "Stop it Ellie!  You drive me CRAZY NUTS!" he was not wrong. 

My stress level was not low.  First of all I'm Whole30-ing (or some version of it that allows me sanity while breastfeeding two babies).  So food ended up being a HUGE issue (thank goodness for a drive-thru Starbucks and their Protein box).  Then, TT lost one of my pump accessories necessary for baby milk extraction.  CRAAAAAAP.  So I'm trying to keep everyone fed and then I have people around me who want to help but it's like "he's crying umm ohhh he's still crying.....I can't get him to settle....what do you do when they're all crying....omg how do you handle this crying...."  So first--I CAN HEAR THE CRYING!!!!  Second--hold/rock/paci/soothe so I can get some dang milk for him Third--who's boobs can let down when there is a hive of fire ants crawling up your pants?  What's that you say?  Not happNIN?!  You right, you right.  Thank goodness I predicted a catastrophe and brought Ethan-approved formula because I could've fed each baby 4 ounces for the entire day.  And I have a Hulk baby that is approximately 19 lbs at 4 months (preemie twin....yeah). 

The good news is:  we MADE IT!!  My sister-in-law commented "OMG was it the WORST DAY EVER" ........close!  Did I mention TT was rolling around on a hospital floor and then refused to bathe at my uncle's house?  GAHHHHHROSSSSSSSSS. 

The other good news:  I avoided the urge to purchase all of the french fries.  Whole30 said no even though stress said oh please eat a fried and salty golden delight.  WINNING!!

We are back to the scream-a-thons at night now so I bid you adieu.....

"Mom I Forgot My Homework"....

You know when you used to get to school and you had forgotten your homework or your lunch and mom or dad would bring it to you so you wouldn't have to cry all day?  Well, it's a good thing I'm not 7 because I definitely would have cried all day.

I never know where to start because I leave you all for oh so long in between posts (note to self, STOP THAT) so I type and delete and type and delete....

The Terrorist started pole vaulting out of his crib.  That is the only description I am able to imagine in my head that would afford him the ability to make it out of the bed and down the stairs in less than 2 minutes.  I try to prevent injuries before they happen (as my profession dictates and it's really just more logical) so we took the front of the crib off and voila! toddler bed.  The freedom was oh too much and soon the house became his party palace in the wee hours of the morning....I really thought we would at least make it to the teenage years before this was a problem.  After quite a few nights of waking up to our home turned frat house, we had HAD IT!  His room has been gated off and he had to be sleep trained all over again.  Well we sleep trained him so well that I can't get him to stay awake anymore.  Yesterday I had to wake him up at 10:45 AM.  Again....is he 15?!  Today, we got the day started at 9 am and that's far too late for me. 

In the first half hour, I had pumped and fed both babies cereal AND a bottle, all three were dressed (well too I might add) and toddler terrorist was snacking on a banana.  How did I even manage that?!  No one knows.  Anyway.  Of course this was followed by telling TT "no" one billion times and finding him eating chocolate with the wrapper on (which is FAR better than what I found him eating yesterday....I simply cannot share this in good conscience) Hubby and I started the Whole30 program today.  That requires much more meal prep than my morning typically consists of.  Coffee with creamer?  That'll hold me a few hours.  Protein smoothie?  That'll hold me until dinner.  So as I'm trying to prepare my breakfast of champions (and MILFs) I'm vacuuming, making TT's breakfast, and getting everything ready to hop in the car to Whole Foods. 

We manage this and as I'm about halfway into our drive to Short Pump..... (em effff geeee deeee craaaaa shhhhhh) "oh poop! mommy forgot the stroller attachments AND the baby bjorn" See this is why I never clean out my car EVER.  Way to go, mother of the year!  So I show up at the land of the tiny shopping cart with no way to cart my humans.  But I'm freaking determined to have my groceries because ain't nobody got time no othuh day no ways.  So, both carseats sit on top of the basket portion flip flopped because that's the only way they'll fit and I'm allowing TT to walk/push/DANGIT WILL YOU GET BACK TO THE CART?!?!?!?!  Officially laughed at by everyone walking by and I got the "oh bless her heart" look from approximately 5 ol southern ladies. 

We somehow managed to get some things that I'm mostly positive are Whole30 based on the ingredients lists I tried to read while chasing TT around.  One of the Whole Foods employees so generously helped me out to the car and she bucked at someone not slowing down in their car as we walked across the road.  Oh you read that right, she bucked.  She was a middle aged white lady with a wrist brace but she knows what's up. 

We arrived home with both babies screaming for food and TT demanding a hot dog.  He saw some at Whole Foods and kept yelling "LIIIIIIIAMMMMM I FOUND YOUR HOT DOGSSSSS" Liam is BFF #1.  I finally fixed myself another Whole30 meal and prepared him lunch and pumped and fed babies and REALLY WANTED some outside play time because hellllllloooooo nurse! it's gorgeous outside!  But naptime came and naptime was necessary.

During naptime, I have cleaned out our refrigerator, unloaded the groceries, done two loads of laundry, picked up the trains (oh my GOSH the TRAINS!), vacuumed the kitchen (YES AGAIN), mopped the kitchen and now written this delightful piece of literature heaven garble despite my Yeliana Drama and you know she's got it. 

So now, I'm going to put all of my human hauling equipment BACK into the ASSPAT and I shall nary again leave home without it.