Saving Your Life

You know when you never knew you weren't living until you started living better?

Just happened in my life.  And better living became known as RELAY FOODS.

If you have baby/babies/toddlers/multiples or even a hungry husband let's be real here, going to the grocery store can be so daunting.  Reading all the labels, trying to compare with your list and your recipes while simultaneously trying to keep child/s from eating things, touching things, breaking things, touching each other or any combination of the above mentioned offenses and hearing "I waaaaant dat, I don't waaant dat mommyyyyyy" 56 times before you just throw your coupons to the ground and buy whatever you already have in your cart while trying to make small talk with everyone around you about your freak show and always leaving with an effing balloon that you will not be allowed to throw away until it is laying on the ground (by which time you will have been given another damn balloon) and stickers that end up all over the back seat of your car/bottom of your shoes/butt (and you don't even know it).  Let me tell you, this makes me miss my days of cooking for one as depressing as it sounded at the time.  

I usually lose my mind by the end of a shopping trip and I hate to share this, but there has been more than one occasion where I've loaded up the three kids, the reusable grocery bags, the diaper bag, bottles, snacks, sippy cups, stroller and the partridge in the pear tree, gotten all the way to the grocery store, unloaded all the crap and realized my wallet was sitting at home....or my list.....or my coupons.....but the worst being my wallet (more than once?!?!  Yes.  Face Palm)

So, I am here to tell you, especially if you are blessed with multiples or expecting some (not like for dinner but to give them life from your body) AVOID THE GROCERY STORE AT ALL COSTS.  Relay has amazing, local foods and brand name foods, they have baby "stuff" and they have BEER AND WINE.  They'll deliver it all to you or all you have to do is show up and it's all bagged and ready for you at some quiet location of your choosing (from their list).  I got my first order last week and am so impressed with the quality, taste, and freshness of it all.  

And here 

Relay Foods

Use that link and get $50 worth of groceries for $20.  You'll be helping me get a discount, too....which is awesome because I currently spend $100/week on formula.... why am I not still breastfeeding???  Oh honey another day another blog.....  

Just do yourself a favor and stop taking your kids to the grocery store.  Sit at home.  Get your wine delivered.  Then relax and sip.  I won't even wait for the thank you..... ;)

I Might've Freaked Out Last Night.....

We all have days right....

Yesterday was a day. 

If your boss called you approximattely 117 times a day to ask you the same question.  Every day.  Including weekends.  And you had the same response 117 times.  But bossman still called the next day to ask the same question 117 more times.....at what point would you snap?  This my dear, sweet, sane friends is what raising a toddler is like.  I am SO SICK OF HEARING MYSELF TALK!  From the nanosecond I awake every morning until the last three seconds before I fall asleep at night, there is noise.  "Caillou is rubbish Sitting on hippo Crayons in time out Daddy be cross."  Just a snippet of how TT wakes up in the morning.  Notice no punctuation.  There is no stopping.  I don't even know why I put spaces

Then of course there are two more

Don't they all look so harmless here? 

So I may have freaked out last night.  After the 118th time of asking TT not to stand on the train table and turn the light on and off in true disco strobe fashion, and trying to feed fussy mcallergies who had left approximately 14 grenade blasts of spitup all over my carpets in a matter of 5 hours and not having showered since teaching my 10:30 AM class (whatever I still haven't showered) and not having slept a solid night in approximately 6 months and eating ONE ORANGE AND ONE 14 OUNCE PROTEIN SMOOTHIE FOR AN ENTIRE DAY INCLUDING 4 1/2 HOURS OF EXERCISE......I may or may not have flipped. the eff. out. 

I ran away.  Don't panic, I did not leave the kids in care of the dog.  I went to the quietest place I could think of at 8:00 PM EST on a Tuesday:  Barnes and effing Noble.  I walked through the doors like they were the Pearly Gates and angels were singing and a wind gust blew my sweaty ponytail as I took that final step through the threshold and there was peace and it was good.  And while there I proceded to buy my children every book I saw that I loved (spoiled) but I also bought this gem

I tell you what my friends, I don't care who you are this is funny. 

It has given me approximately 23 1/2 ideas for amazing blog posts for the future in the first 18 pages.  It's a reminder that the expectations for good parenting have become completely ridiculous and also that we're all just human so STOP JUDGING EVERY OTHER PARENT EVER ON THE EARTH EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM EVER.  Yes I meant that sentence to sound as stupid as you just read it.  And now re read it. 

So after laughing myself off the ledge last night.  I woke up to a different kind of day today.  Yes, I had to wipe more butts before 9 am then you probably wipe in a lifetime.  No my legs aren't shaved.  My hair is insanely dishelved (and I went out in public like this) and still haven't showered since Monday.  Say it again:  SINCE MONDAY.  But I think the universe knew I'd HAD IT. 

I met my fabulous friend/boss/sometimes other mother to my children/sister from some guy that's not my dad (you lol'd I know you did) to give her a gem I found her on my trip to heaven and back last night.  She always listens, helps with my terrors angel love bug dears, and encourages me when I'm feeling like I can't make it another second.  While I was chatting with her, Facebook alerted me that my almost too good to be true friend had in fact sent me a Starbucks gift card just out of the kindness of her heart.  Maybe people have realized if you give a new mom caffeine, she won't kill anybody, but it just felt like a hug and a kiss and a high five all wrapped in green and gold advertising.  Then I joined two completely awesome moms at the park to wear our toddlers out.  They are awesome.  Super awesome.  And neither lets me feel sorry for myself which clearly I never do but if by chance I did think "it's soooo harrrrrrd to have threeeee kids underrrrr twoooooooo" which again I never do, they'd remind me I'm stronger than I think and I can do it cuz I really just have to and there's no way around it. 

Well let me go back briefly to tell you that my 5 month old princess pea had a poopy dipe. 

This girl
 
Only brought size 6 diapers.  Which is approximately 4 sizes too big for little miss tiny heiny.  So I proceded to put one on her anyway and it covered her baby nips and wrapped around her like a toga.  But whatevs...... (idiot!!!!)

One of these awesome moms that I met at the park arrives with baby sans shoes for park play.  Truthfully no fault of her own.  But as per "mom-ness" dictates you have to:  blames herself and feels like an idiot.  Whatever, come to find out mulch chips don't hurt if you put socks on your fat little baby feet.  Her little girl is delightfully resilient anyway:  she barely cried when TT threw a ball at her face when she was 4 months old.  Boys watch out!  Emma's a bad a$$.  Plus my infant was wearing a size 6 diaper....

I then came home to find out an old friend is beginning new life changes and has given me credit for his inspiration.  I cannot tell you what that means to me.  One:  this guy is an amazing person.  People who know me now might think we're an odd match for friends.... but let me tell you, screw what everyone else thinks and get to know someone's heart and none of the rest of it matters.  This guy's heart is one of the biggest ever.  I'm so proud of him.  Two:  To be considered an inspiration to someone was always what I said I wanted to do before I died.  I've heard people call me this more often recently and I really don't take it lightly.  That's a big responsibility.  But to get to this point in my life where I can be so positive and have so much love for myself, my family, my friends, and my work....go back, I included myself in that lineup......that's taken a lot of work from the inside out.  I'm so honored that anybody would consider me an inspiration for any reason (unless you're doing something stupid in which case forget you know me) and I'm so happy to be able to share myself and my journey with others.  I don't get big paychecks and I don't get much recognition from my kids for being the most kick ass mom on the block keeping them alive, but I'm glad I'm helping some of you (and some of you even admit that I'm funny....or maybe you're drinking when you read these posts).

So today, I'm not going to freak out.  But hopefully I'm going to shower and eat more than an orange....

And Then I Added More....

Why do I do these things to myself?  I am obsessed with being stressed.

Last week I attempted and completed my first road trip with me plus three.  I decided to leave Richmond around 9:00 AM.  The planning and prep work that goes into a day trip is just sick.  I had probably 30 diapers packed, 2 diaper bag sized wipes packages, 3 outfits per short person, double stroller with it's 5 accessories, two baby carriers, and so. many. snacks.  This is a day trip.  No nights.  Just a, ahhh, one, uno day.  It sounds like enough.  Wrong-o.  TT ate ALL the snacks on the way up.  All of them???  All of them.  30 diapers proved to be JUST enough for 14 hours of road trippin.  Phew!  3 outfits per human.....who was I kidding?! I needed approximately 5 and I did not have 5 therefore I arrived home with a half dirty, half naked crew....it was 36 degrees outside.

There were approximately 8 hours of driving total for the day.  Keeping everyone happy for 8 hours of delightful car riding seemed impossible.  I managed approximately 6.5 happy hours.  At one point TT looked at Yellie and said (and I quote) "Stop it Ellie!  You drive me CRAZY NUTS!" he was not wrong. 

My stress level was not low.  First of all I'm Whole30-ing (or some version of it that allows me sanity while breastfeeding two babies).  So food ended up being a HUGE issue (thank goodness for a drive-thru Starbucks and their Protein box).  Then, TT lost one of my pump accessories necessary for baby milk extraction.  CRAAAAAAP.  So I'm trying to keep everyone fed and then I have people around me who want to help but it's like "he's crying umm ohhh he's still crying.....I can't get him to settle....what do you do when they're all crying....omg how do you handle this crying...."  So first--I CAN HEAR THE CRYING!!!!  Second--hold/rock/paci/soothe so I can get some dang milk for him Third--who's boobs can let down when there is a hive of fire ants crawling up your pants?  What's that you say?  Not happNIN?!  You right, you right.  Thank goodness I predicted a catastrophe and brought Ethan-approved formula because I could've fed each baby 4 ounces for the entire day.  And I have a Hulk baby that is approximately 19 lbs at 4 months (preemie twin....yeah). 

The good news is:  we MADE IT!!  My sister-in-law commented "OMG was it the WORST DAY EVER" ........close!  Did I mention TT was rolling around on a hospital floor and then refused to bathe at my uncle's house?  GAHHHHHROSSSSSSSSS. 

The other good news:  I avoided the urge to purchase all of the french fries.  Whole30 said no even though stress said oh please eat a fried and salty golden delight.  WINNING!!

We are back to the scream-a-thons at night now so I bid you adieu.....

"Mom I Forgot My Homework"....

You know when you used to get to school and you had forgotten your homework or your lunch and mom or dad would bring it to you so you wouldn't have to cry all day?  Well, it's a good thing I'm not 7 because I definitely would have cried all day.

I never know where to start because I leave you all for oh so long in between posts (note to self, STOP THAT) so I type and delete and type and delete....

The Terrorist started pole vaulting out of his crib.  That is the only description I am able to imagine in my head that would afford him the ability to make it out of the bed and down the stairs in less than 2 minutes.  I try to prevent injuries before they happen (as my profession dictates and it's really just more logical) so we took the front of the crib off and voila! toddler bed.  The freedom was oh too much and soon the house became his party palace in the wee hours of the morning....I really thought we would at least make it to the teenage years before this was a problem.  After quite a few nights of waking up to our home turned frat house, we had HAD IT!  His room has been gated off and he had to be sleep trained all over again.  Well we sleep trained him so well that I can't get him to stay awake anymore.  Yesterday I had to wake him up at 10:45 AM.  Again....is he 15?!  Today, we got the day started at 9 am and that's far too late for me. 

In the first half hour, I had pumped and fed both babies cereal AND a bottle, all three were dressed (well too I might add) and toddler terrorist was snacking on a banana.  How did I even manage that?!  No one knows.  Anyway.  Of course this was followed by telling TT "no" one billion times and finding him eating chocolate with the wrapper on (which is FAR better than what I found him eating yesterday....I simply cannot share this in good conscience) Hubby and I started the Whole30 program today.  That requires much more meal prep than my morning typically consists of.  Coffee with creamer?  That'll hold me a few hours.  Protein smoothie?  That'll hold me until dinner.  So as I'm trying to prepare my breakfast of champions (and MILFs) I'm vacuuming, making TT's breakfast, and getting everything ready to hop in the car to Whole Foods. 

We manage this and as I'm about halfway into our drive to Short Pump..... (em effff geeee deeee craaaaa shhhhhh) "oh poop! mommy forgot the stroller attachments AND the baby bjorn" See this is why I never clean out my car EVER.  Way to go, mother of the year!  So I show up at the land of the tiny shopping cart with no way to cart my humans.  But I'm freaking determined to have my groceries because ain't nobody got time no othuh day no ways.  So, both carseats sit on top of the basket portion flip flopped because that's the only way they'll fit and I'm allowing TT to walk/push/DANGIT WILL YOU GET BACK TO THE CART?!?!?!?!  Officially laughed at by everyone walking by and I got the "oh bless her heart" look from approximately 5 ol southern ladies. 

We somehow managed to get some things that I'm mostly positive are Whole30 based on the ingredients lists I tried to read while chasing TT around.  One of the Whole Foods employees so generously helped me out to the car and she bucked at someone not slowing down in their car as we walked across the road.  Oh you read that right, she bucked.  She was a middle aged white lady with a wrist brace but she knows what's up. 

We arrived home with both babies screaming for food and TT demanding a hot dog.  He saw some at Whole Foods and kept yelling "LIIIIIIIAMMMMM I FOUND YOUR HOT DOGSSSSS" Liam is BFF #1.  I finally fixed myself another Whole30 meal and prepared him lunch and pumped and fed babies and REALLY WANTED some outside play time because hellllllloooooo nurse! it's gorgeous outside!  But naptime came and naptime was necessary.

During naptime, I have cleaned out our refrigerator, unloaded the groceries, done two loads of laundry, picked up the trains (oh my GOSH the TRAINS!), vacuumed the kitchen (YES AGAIN), mopped the kitchen and now written this delightful piece of literature heaven garble despite my Yeliana Drama and you know she's got it. 

So now, I'm going to put all of my human hauling equipment BACK into the ASSPAT and I shall nary again leave home without it. 

So I Promised You a Blogpost

I know better than to promise things these days, but I did it anyway.....

This week has been like all the weeks for the last.....year?  Since hearing the "oh look there's two" from the ultrasound tech really.  With one baby, it was easy to recover.  Something didn't go right, oh well, we were back on track two steps later.  Everytime I have a set back these days I feel like everyone should go to bed so we can have a reset.  I just cannot catch up when something goes awry.  Oh I try.  I tell you I TRY.  I even bought one of those little electric bottle warmers with the car adapter, a hands free pumping bra, a battery adapter for my pump, and the list goes on.  I am a sucker for efficiency....just ask my husband.  But even for all of the gadgets and all of the not sitting down and all of the coffee in all of the world-- I just cannot recover from these tiny bombs that go off during my days as a mom of three under two.

So now that I've had a rant about not having time, I must leave you with I really don't have time to blog tonight because I got a taste of sleep last night and mama is HUNGRY for more.  And I'm gonna do it again:  I promise more tomorrow.  (she's always doing that!!!!!)

Tales of Poop and Retraction of Rant

I begin at the end and will go back to the beginning at some point, but the end of the post yet to be published is that I am on anti-biotics. Did you get that?  Also I'm sorry I'm not sorry for the details of this post.  It's about poop what did you expect???

12 hours after starting the antibiotic my beans begin pooping.  And I know you know I really mean diarrhea-ing all kinds of nasty.  Not only am I sick enough to be on an anti-biotic (I'm not one of those drug crazy people) but now I am dealing with two leaky butts.  You think that statement is bad? come smell my house.... yeah it's like that.  At first I'm inconvenienced .  Then, the twins get maaaaad about this.  Oh they mad! So I'm changing 20 poop diapers a day (plus my toddler poops 1-5 times a day no joke one to FIVE times) and now they are yelling about it during my sleep hour.  The one that I'm alotted.  Nurse tells us to go get some probiotic Bio-gaia which is difficult to find and would include carting around my never-ending-shitters.  NOPE.  What else ya got nurse lady?  Switch to formula but continue pumping?  Alright.  Ok.  We'll try that one.....

NOPE.  Now we go from poopy trails to "ummmm honeyyyy, have you changed a poopy diaper today???"  Nobody is poopin' now.  Which is excellent for my laundry basket and my wallet (20 poopy diapers a day usually equates to about $4 in diapers a day and 3ish outfits per baby because after the third, you stay naked.  It's a rule) not so much for 11 week old tummies.  And guess what??  They still maaaad. 

Here's where my stories collide to retract my previous stranger rant: I need to trek to Target to buy some Bio whuta with the three who are now mostly gassy and pissed.  The set up goes as follows:  Ethan in carseat in baby spot; Gavin in giant red attachment forward facing toddler seat thing; Ellie in carseat on floor of giant red monstrosity.  It's actually quite pleasant now that I've figured out the setup because I can also actually USE the cart portion.

In the checkout phase of this trip, I am behind a lady with a BEAUTIFUL little boy who has approximately 7 items.  She offers to let me go first (so sweet but I had all of the items which is much more than 7).  After she realizes I have twins plus terrorist (now kicking Ellie under his feet) she begins telling me how great of a job I'm doing and how great I look.  BEST. FRIEND. Then....get this.....she offers to buy me a coffee.  Is this lady for real?!?  Everyone else in the store is giving me that "HOLY HELL LADY HAVE YOU HEARD OF BIRTH CONTROL" look and this woman and her perfect little angel son have said nice things AND offered help.  I think I love her.  I had to decline because terrorist is still kicking Ellie and I've now made several threats to him and was expecting CPS to show at any moment. 

Back to the poop situation.  So we decide to first cut the formula with the tainted breastmilk to see if that produces some stooling.  Ethan gets one Hulk poop (imagine those Hulk fists punching you right in the mouth kind of stink and it's green) but it's not much and these kiddos have to be backed up from two days of formu-blah. Last night we switch back to tainted breastmilk and Bio-Blahlahaha and WHAMMY! Oh my goodness I'd throw a baby this stink is so bad!  I don't know what in the world it's consistency or color are....not of this world I'll tell you that much.  But I believe they have been cleansed.  I'm not sure for better or for worse. 

One last repeal of the stranger rant-unrelated to all things poop-happened today.  CMOR on Hull St.  I take all the babies and meet up with my girlfriend the uterus whisperer.  As I'm leaving, three strangers all at once hit me with "What beautiful babies!" "You're doing a wonderful job!"  and here's my standing ovation "SHE'S DRESSED CUTE WITH MAKEUP ON AND LOOKS GREAT!!!" a-thank-you

And now I hear some sounds that may need addressing....or redressing....

"OH MY GOSH I don't know how you do it!!"

Neither dooooo IIIIIIIIII......

So there are like 417 million things that I am sick of hearing people say.  Who doesn't LOVE a good backhanded compliment?! 

Let's begin with the obvious "well that was rude" statement:  "Three kids under two, that must be awful".  And when they say awful I autocorrect it in my head to "awfully wonderful" just so I don't have to sit through trial for aggravated assault.  My children are my blessings.  They are not awful.  Challenging?  Absolutely.  But awful?  So is your outfit.

Then there's the "I wouldn't have had three so close together".  Well here's the thing about my reproductive system:  I keep sending it texts to let it know that I'd like to ovulate one egg at a time and really if I could just do that once a year on the years that I'd like to have a baby, I think we could stay friends.  But there it goes every month, doing whatever it wants to do!  I'm not sure I had MUCH control over the whole twins thing.  Sort of like I have no control over the nonsense coming out of your mouth.

"You poor thing" "did you have your tubes tied" "so I guess you're done then" "how do you do it???"
I am rich in blessings, how are three healthy children a bad thing? Nope my TUBES are not TIED and really that's just kind of a gross thing to say... talking about my insides in public places and what not...buy me dinner first.  A woman once had 19 children if I recall correctly. Why assume I don't want my own TLC show?  And how does anyone do anything really?  Even Mac and Cheese comes with instructions....these babies forgot the manual. 

A challenge is presented to you.  You either step up or back down.  Some days SUCK.  I don't get a shower.  I can't form correct sentences.  And everyone is screaming.  Other days, I put together a whole outfit with accessories.  Write eloquent blog posts.  And there is peace....oh wait....nope....he's up. 

I'm just not sure why I rarely hear the following:  "I'm proud of you"  "You're doing a great job"  "3 beautiful babies??  congratulations!"  and also if my hair looks great one day, I expect a standing ovation. 

Now that's off my chest.... I have babies to attend to :)

I ate lunch in my driveway in the car....

I know. I know. Where the heck have I been?!? I was writing such awesome witty posts and then I left you with nothing... At least in my head that's what you're all saying. But in real life I got a hand saw, cut down a tree with it and had twins less than two days later. So if they tell you to drink caster oil I say NAY! Cut down a dang tree with a hand saw. It's much more satisfying. Trust me.

I have so many notes on things to share with you all but today has been the day from hell. Ethan (my son, twin B) blew out his diaper first thing. Meanwhile, Eliana (Ell Eee Ahhh nuhhh please do not say Elaina, I still have that saw....) decides to vomit up breakfast. All of it. And in the midst of this I glance over to find my sweet angelic toddler (who is known to many as the terrorist) drinking Ethan's bottle of breastmilk. That's just the first ten minutes after my husband left.

Trip to Walmart. With all three. In a cyclone. Need I say more? P.S. We had to go because terrorist ran out of his diapers.

I ate lunch in my driveway in the car just to have five minutes of contained peace.

Gavin (terrorist toddler) refuses to eat most of the day and naps 45 minutes. Which is conveniently the time it takes for me to pump and bottle feed A&B. wait whuuuut?! Yes. Due to time in the NICU, we have a couple of SUPER lazy latchers. Meaning they will eat one ounce and go to sleep on the boob and want to do that every hour on the hour. AIN'T HAPP NIN. Also Ethan has some super sensitivity to even the tiniest amount of formula as in vomit by the gallon until its bile and then dry heaves sensitivity so although they're not stimulating me to keep my production up, I cannot supplement at all so I am pumping ALL THE TIME and then to feed I usually need one hand free to taze...ummm I mean monitor my toddler with so I feed them separately.....

Then, I clean a bathroom and mop the kitchen because these things have not been done in probably three months (ick gross bleh...say it...I know) and as soon as I finish toddler and Eliana decide to go for gold in a scream-a-thon. This lasts 2 1/2 hours no matter what I do, it does not stop.

Now you're thinking this is it for sure. I assure you it is not but from here it was just your basic hairy bedtime nonsense with a dash of HOLY CRAP YOU THREW OUT PERFECTLY GOOD BREASTMILK?!? I think my boobs need a vacation more than I do.

I will go back to the oh em geee I am so in love with my three gorgeous children next time but at the current moment I am signing off to wash off the spit up and pour myself a stiff drink.